____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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