He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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