New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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