Already got asked if we're dating
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
where are my eyebrows?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize