oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
