Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
