Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
