I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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