Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
