Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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