he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
