He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize