I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
