Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize