Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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