I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I supernannyed him into submission
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize