I just saw a hot homeless man
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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