Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
