Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
