I bet he comes in French.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
