Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
