you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
