Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
