upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
