i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
