Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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