Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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