so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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