the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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