cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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