he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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