Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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