I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
