I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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