Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
