saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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