For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
