She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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