My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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