Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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