wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
