I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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