Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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