I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
