just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
