Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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