Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
