The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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