i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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