I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
