she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize