i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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