Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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