Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
soo... how was my night?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
