I puked a lego.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
