I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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