My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
