Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
