I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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