____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
