Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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