Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
