As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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