my phone needs a breathalizer
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
