I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
