I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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