I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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