if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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