I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
