At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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