onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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