Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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